


Not here

by samgreenstorm



Series: Missing moments [8]
Category: SKAM (France)
Genre: Is it angst ?, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-17
Updated: 2019-03-17
Packaged: 2019-11-21 08:35:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18139886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/samgreenstorm/pseuds/samgreenstorm
Summary: The aftermath of  23:37 from Eliott’s point of view.





	Not here

**Author's Note:**

> So Skam is not mine, unfortunately.  
> If it were the last two clips wouldn’t have happen.  
> As if baby Lucas needs more pain.  
> Anyway.

Now he knows, now he knows. Now he knows.

He knows and he is not there, he knows and Eliott is alone.

His parents are there and Lucille is there but he doesn’t want them he wants Lucas, who knows and is not there.

Eliott covers his naked body more tightly with the blanket, this really wasn’t the way he wanted Lucas to find out.

He dreamt of a long conversation in bed, where he would have Lucas on his arms, Eliott would say the words, I’m bipolar loud enough to be heard and clear enough so Lucas doesn’t misunderstand and his beautiful boy would turn those blue eyes of his on him and just say It’s okay and they will kiss and nothing else would happen.

But no, this sickness prevented that, now all Lucas knows is that he left him naked on a boat.

And Lucas is not here and he is cold and wants to go home and stay in bed and never get up.

He doesn’t wanna listen to his parents apologise one more time about their son’s behaviour like they have done time and time again.

He is tired and he is closing his eyes when he feels a hand ruffling his hair, and he wants to lean on the comfort, because it reminds him of Lucas who likes to mess with his hair when they are in bed and he can reach it, who pulls his hair to get him closer when they are making love,

The hand is not Lucas’s because he is not here.

“Stop it!” Eliott says to Lucille.

Lucille’s expression falls and takes her hand away, Eliott has noticed the fury on her eyes when she arrived to the police station. She was fuming with anger, now she just looks hurt but Eliott doesn’t care because her pain is not theirs to share anymore.

Her pain is hers alone, just like his and he feels like crying but the tears don’t come and he wonders where Lucas is, Lucas was half sleep when he ran into the street, naked with only his sneakers.

Because he is sick, Lucas is not here.

The worst is that he can’t really blame him, Lucas warned him that he didn’t want mentally ill people in his life. 

He just needs him here, Lucas’s touch grounds him and calms him and butterflies flap their wings on his stomach when he is there touching him.

“Eliott, who were you with?” His mom is asking and he has to stop concentrating on the grey wall with ridiculous posters to see his mom, who looks worried and tired but who gives him a smile nevertheless, her blonde hair is in a messy bun, she doesn’t have any make up on unlike usual, she has bags under her greyish blue eyes, the same colour as his, despite all this she just smiles at him and holds his hand, and hers might not be Lucas’s hand but relaxes him anyway.

“Lucas, I was with Lucas, my boyfriend but he didn’t know and now he is not here but I want him to.”

Eliott was going to tell them this weekend, that his relationship with Lucille was over and that he was in love with the most beautiful boy in this universe, that they were boyfriends.

Not anymore. 

Eliott shakes his head.

His mother just strokes his face and Eliott leans on her hand and Eliott closes his eyes just for one minute, the warmth seeping into his bones.

His feels his father moving and a few seconds later, another hand is on his body this time on his shoulder and Eliott knows is his father’s.

“It’s okay.” His father says and no matter how much Eliott wants to believe his words because the tone was certain and admitted no rebuttal. He knows they aren’t true because Lucas knows and he is not here and it’s all his fault.

“He was the one that called me.” Eliott opens his eyes and turns to Lucille who is now leaning against a column, her hands on fists but her voice sounds a bit broken and she is trying to rub the tears out of her face.

His parents also turn to her possibly as surprised as he is.  
He thought that maybe the police found him and they were the ones to call Lucille since he didn’t change her number as his emergency contact.

A tiny part of him hoped for Lucas to still be asleep and not noticed Eliott going away and maybe he could have gone back to him.

A biggest part of him knows that’s impossible there is no turning back.

Eliott just wants his bed, and to lay there and cry in peace because the love of his life knows and he is not here.

He knew the pain would come and that he would be rejected, he thought he could be strong enough but he is weak and he always will be, this fucking illness controls him, his body, his mind, his thoughts but not his heart and his heart belongs to a boy who doesn’t want him enough.

He wants to be left alone…

“Mama?”

The hand that was still on his face, caresses him again.

“I want to go home, please.” His voice is weak and he knows he is barely audible but his mom always listens.

“Okay, mon raton laveur. ” Smile feeble but sweet and warm.

And the nickname pulls at his strings because his hedgehog is not next to him, leaning on his shoulder, arms around him, with the pout he gives him when he wants to be kissed.  
Then he remembers the brightness on his eyes, the tilt of his head, his mouth half open, waiting for Eliott’s lips.

One week.

This fucking illness let him be happy for one week.

One week of feeling Lucas’s affection and tenderness, of shared moments, of kisses and laughs, of their bodies connected day and night, of whispered true words of love.

His heart hurts, he was just so happy a few hours ago. 

They were making love and as usual Eliott couldn’t get enough of Lucas’s soft skin, his chapped lips, Lucas moaning his name with such … love. Because that what he thought it was… love, Eliott thought they were in love even if they never said the words.

That’s gone now. And this pain won’t go away, he hates himself and he hates his brain.

If only he was like everyone else.

If only he was the parallel Eliott who wasn’t sick.

If only Lucas was here.

“We are going. We are done here.” His father says, standing from where he was crouched in front of him, his father’s thumbs catching the useless tears he didn’t know were falling down his cheeks.

He wants to be home.

“Let’s go.” His mom offers her hand and Eliott takes it.

Lucille grabs his wrist before Eliott gets out this fucking police station.

Eliott looks from her hand on his arm to her eyes.

“What!? What do you want, Lucille?” He knows he sounds angry and he doesn’t care.

“Lucas…” she starts still staring at him.

Hearing his name from her mouth feels weird like it doesn’t belong.

“You just like to rub it in, don’t you?? Yes! You were right both times, Lucas doesn’t want me because I am broken! You were right the first time that I was gonna come back to you! But that was the last time, you hear me? Now just leave me alone! Just let me be!! I don’t love you anymore!” He is yelling and people are watching them and he is hurting her and he still doesn’t give a shit.

He is tired and wants to go.He wants to cry in peace without spectators to the pain show. 

He has flashbacks of his last episode, when she was there and this time he was begging her not to leave him, to be there with him and she didn’t leave his side.

Eliott shakes his head. That was then and this is now.

“Eliott.” Lucille’s voice is broken.

There are tears falling down her face.

She is not a crier.

“Lucas, he… “ she stops in between her sobs.

He knows his parents are waiting, he doesn’t have the time for this. 

“Just say it!”He yells.

“He wanted to come. Lucas, he wanted to come but I.. said some stuff.” She looks down. She is embarrassed.

Despite all the love and affection he ever felt for her, is not enough. This boiling anger that is running through his veins.

“What did you say?!“ Eliott wants to shake her shoulder to make her say it again.

“Lucas wanted to come with me to meet you.” Lucille says loud and clear.

All his world turns blurry and his father has to take him away because he was screaming and sobbing.

Lucas wanted to be here.

**Author's Note:**

> So, I am sure this wasn’t the most accurate despiction of a breakdown after a manic episode but then I’m not bipolar so I wouldn’t know how to write it and I apologise if this offends anyone.
> 
> Anyway like usual: Thank you for reading!!😊 
> 
> And if you want to rant about sad pretty french boys or happy pretty Norwegian and Italian boys ... I’m samgreenstorm on tumblr.


End file.
